Update Sunday 3:19 AM: I wrote the original below just yesterday. Its funny how things can change so quickly. My mom has decided to see my sister and me after having spoken a little on FaceTime. So, I’m headed to see her this early morning and praying that I make it in time. There’s part of me that wants to question this invitation. But, I’m pushing it underground, because I don’t want those thoughts to be the answer. I choose to take it as a gift from Abba Kadosh.
I don’t know where to begin with this post. I don’t know because I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings.
You see… right now, as we speak, my mother lies in a hospice bed at a nursing home in Oregon. Her kidneys have shut down (from Stage 3 Renal Failure, diagnosed about a year ago). In addition to that, she’s having severe necrotic complications from diabetes. The doctors have given her two to five days to live.
I want to go to her, see her and let her know I love her. But, I can’t. She doesn’t want me or my sister to be with her. Not out of some sense of “I don’t want you to see me like this”. No, rather, its because 1) we have never had a great relationship. Growing up there was always some odd jealous animosity from her toward me and hateful feelings from me toward her; and 2) she has some twisted view of the past and the shunning that happens with Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I will mainly address the 2nd issue, because that is what she claims her reasoning is for keeping me (and my sister) away even now on her deathbed. I left that religious group over 20 years ago. And yes, it was a rocky relationship with this religion all throughout my teens and 20’s. I left in writing in 2000. I was not disfellowshipped, but rather disassociated myself from their religion. She took my leaving and subsequent writings about my experiences and what I learned away from that organization as my becoming an apostate. I won’t argue the apostate definition as its written, but, to say that I gave up the faith of the Bible and my belief in YHWH (Jehovah, Yahweh, Yehovah, the God of the Bible) was as big a farce as any. The only position I took was to throw light on a religious system who has set themselves up as the only way to salvation, in place of Yeshua (Jesus, Messiah, Christ).
Due to this position, however, my mother wrote me off for good, only speaking to me if she was cornered or wanted something. She also wrote off my sister for leaving the Watchtower Society.
So… I sit here. Frustrated, hurt and full of a vast chasm of dark feelings toward my mother lost in her own world of belief. Toward a religious entity filled with utterly confused and often very sincere people. And toward my own inability to reconcile this relationship with her.
And yet, I sit here praising my Heavenly Abba, because I am promised salvation on His terms (not mankind’s) and I know that I’m forgiven for my past, my wrongdoings, my mistakes. Yes, I have sinned. I am a sinner. And I know that until He comes, and I’m perfected as He’s promised, I will sin. But, I am Loved by Him.
In the end… that’s all that really matters.